We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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