I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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