You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
