Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
