So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
