My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
