my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
What drink are we having for lunch?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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