im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
