your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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