My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
