I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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