me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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