Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
