Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
