The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
