i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
