I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
