well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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