dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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