I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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