You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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