mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
