Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
