If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
