His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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