i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
