is your mom at the bar?
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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