Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
love makes seman taste better
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
