Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
