cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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