I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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