At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
