FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
