she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
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I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
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I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull