Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
