I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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