I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
