I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
