It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
