somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
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Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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