sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sobbing to NWA
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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