i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
