My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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