Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
