The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
