I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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