I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
it was like eating out sand paper
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
