She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
