We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Of course I have a pirate flag
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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