I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
even my farts smell like vagina
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
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