My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
