Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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