Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
