I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.