Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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