When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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