Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I need a beard to bite.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think I just shit out all my problems.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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