I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
