Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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