the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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