So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
