I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Randomize
