Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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