It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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